This week has been great. It's been a rough two weeks for me because i've been struggling with severe homesickness, emotional stress, burned out feelings and this constant lack of joy i'm so used to having in my life. This week we talked about team building and what it really means to be united. It was really a moving week. It started off where people were hesitant to share personal things but by today everyone was opening up and being vulnerable with each other. The kind of vulnerable that only happens when trust is formed and you really start to see people for who they are and not for their crap.
And that's really what happened this week. We grew. Together. As a team. I'm not really one to look down on people, i get annoyed easily yes, but i don't judge others for what they've done. So, when past struggles were revealed this week and hearts were poured out I began to love people more than i already had. Because of peoples honestly, it allowed me to see them and to be able to understand them more. It gave me more of a heart for them and I truly want to see everyone on my team succeed.
I've felt like i've been in this spiritual slump lately. It's kind-of expected though being here & learning all this new stuff. It's easy to get burned out because you're taking so much in and i'm gaining head knowledge but unless i move that knowledge into my heart it doesn't do much for me. I'm starting to see that. It's been hard for me lately to accept God's love. He loves me regardless but I have to be willing to recieve that love. It's something i've really been struggling with. Even though i may say I relent something to God it doesn't always mean that I gave it to Him and a lot of the times I don't. It's a motion that I go through. He knows that but he continues to tell me over and over and over again. I love you. No matter what you think or do or say, I love you. It's hard because I struggle with not being able to feel God's love around me even though it engulfs me all the time. He holds me close to His heart because he can. Not because he has to but because he wants to. It's quite an amazing feeling when you are finally able to grasp that.
He shows his love in many ways and the biggest way to me is through people. If you've ever studied people or just watch how they are we have such quirky mannerisms. It's great. I've been given a new appreciatin today for the people here on my DTS. I've been dealing with thoughts of not being loved or liked by people here but God kindof put a stop to that through my friend Emily. Emily is a beautiful friend who I admire greatly. She has a heart full of love, a chill spirit, and a passion that burns for God. We had taken a walk to get tacos and I poured my heart out to her about my struggles with small group and groups of girls in general. I'm not going to go into detail but it was a conversation that really helped me. I'm someone who likes to hear that they're loved it's my biggest love language. I like to know that I have value in peoples lives ya know? So, it's been hard sometimes here when I don't feel like that. It stems from an insecurity I have about myself and a lack of confidence. Emily helped me see that today. She told me it was going to be a daily struggle and that I would have to keep telling myself things over and over again. But she helped me regain some joy that was lost by helping me to see things and people in a whole new light.
Well, it's 1 'o' clock in the morning and i'm quite exhausted. I figured i'd pencil all of my thoughts out while I had the chance though.
love. love. love.
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